Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
