I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
