my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
