accomplished twins. life is a go
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
