Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Randomize
