Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
it's great music for shaving your balls
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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