She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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