What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
