dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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