When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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