So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
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