I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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