??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
