The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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