Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
