After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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