So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just forgot I was standing up.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
