Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
either way he was missing a nipple.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
