i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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