At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
