He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
