There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
