It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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