I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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