end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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