Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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