Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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