well I can't set my house on fire every night
Need sex. Gaining weight.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Randomize
