its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
