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• (972): View more from Texas

  i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.

  (817): View more from Texas

  Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.

  (972): View more from Texas

  ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.

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• (706): View more from Georgia

  dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.

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• (864): View more from South Carolina

  long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".

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• (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.

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• (404): View more from Georgia

  She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint

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• (615): View more from Tennessee

  Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?

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• (509): View more from Washington

  HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS

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• (503): View more from Oregon

  Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.

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• (204): View more from Manitoba

  Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.

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• (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.

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• (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.

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• (812): View more from Indiana

  You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup

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• (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget

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• (508): View more from Massachusetts

  So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?

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• (740): View more from Ohio

  U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes

  (1-740): View more from Ohio

  What? It's 130 in the morning.

  (740): View more from Ohio

  Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes

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