Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
