umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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