the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
