I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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