I'm so fucking centered right now
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
