we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
