I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
