i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Operation Purity has been aborted
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
