I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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