I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
