I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
