the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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