just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
