I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
