are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
