If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
