Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
