either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
