In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
