I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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