cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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