Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
