her vagina looked like bernie madoff
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
