Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
