I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
