We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
The adults are the big ones right?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
