I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
